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Annaupdated 10.19.15 |
| 10.13.15, Anna, Saint Petersburg, I live right by the bridge and I'm not going to lie, lately I've been struggling. When I'm not depressed I love life and would hate to die, but as soon as that blankness hits all I can think about is how much my ribs and chest hurt from emotional pain, and about how it'd feel better dead. I know, logically, I do not want to die, and that's what hurts the most about people who do it - most of them certaintly did not actually want to die, it was some sick demon inside that just won over during a bad day/week/month. I'm scared I will lose myself to suicide too. I came to this site to read about everybody who went before me, and on one hand, it's made it so much more real in my head and therefore possible. On the other hand this website slams it in my face the reality and horror of it - it would not be pretty and tragic. It'd be ugly. Horrifically painful and traumatizing for everybody. I'm trying to push through. This site gives me the realistic, non-depressed honest view of what jumping off that damn bridge would really mean. Thank you for that. The sick humor and realism and bluntness? It's all a good thing. Wake up.
10.14.15, hello anna, i looked at your facebook and did not see a struggling person in emotional pain, but i suppose that's the insidious nature of depression. it is often hidden below the smiling surface. i have had many contact me and discuss their emotional roller coaster and they all paint a similar picture, as you described. they do not want to die, but see it as the only way to make it stop. as with these others, i have no idea just what to say that would solve their situation, as each one has only themselves that know exactly what's going on inside. could i say the wrong thing? might i make it worse? i often feel it's a fine line to walk when communicating one-on-one like this. suicide is real, but it is also a permanent solution to a solvable problem. life is worth living. i do not know you or your social life. do any of your friends or family know of your inner turmoil? do you discuss it with anyone familiar with what to do to help you get through this wall? i know it is cliché to say, but you need help. you need others to help you work through this. it can be done. there are people that can and will help. friends and family are all well and fine, but they often lack that third party disconnection that can focus on the problem honestly and not how it all works into their relationship with you. find someone that is not ready to alter you with head meds as the first course of action. i feel that just shifts you from one mental issue to another, possibly a worse one in the long run. feel free to contact me further if it helps you in any way. you can do this. you can be a happy person, but it's up to you to find the path to the happiness you seek. i wish you well. 10.14.15, Anna, Saint Petersburg, first off, i appreciate the response and help. my family was abusive to me; my parents have sobered up and basically like to pretend all of it never happened, so i have no outlet or support there and especially since they were my tormentors i had a five-year-relationship with a fiance who dumped me in april. he was the main person in my life and he wasn't healthy or good to me either, but he was all i had, and i don't miss him as a person but losing that relationship, along with my home and everything i was familiar to, is what dropped me into this depression and i get scared it's the final one because sometimes i get so lost in it i can't think of anything else but jumping so i have no family really, and i lost the one person who i grew up dating/with, who i lived with, etc., i am 20 years old. i met my ex when i was 15 and fell in love then, i literally grew up with him, he helped me escape my parent's abuse only to end up abusive and end up throwing us away as well, i don't miss him like i said but i literally wake up most days and feel like im in a nightmare because none of the faces and voices around me are familiar - none of these people know me - i lost everything i ever had. i lost my former life and it was good, because it was unhealthy, but it's traumatizing to lose everything you are familiar with i am dating a new young guy, he's only eighteen and he thinks he's in love with me, we aren't gonna last and i'm currently in the process of extricating myself from him and it's just depressing me further, everything hurts at this point, was a mistake to get with him through no fault of his i lived with my ex, and therefore i have no home now. since november i have lived in a dorm on my job corps campus, and it's a highly pressurized and highly stressful place to exist i am a full time college student which adds to the stress and it feels more and more and more lately like all of my efforts to be the best i can be are absolutely ignored and it literally feels like i cannot take one more single comment along the lines of "you really don't do anything". my Residential Advisor is a source of great pain and dislikes me, and is trying to move me out of the bedroom i've lived in for the past year now, claiming that i don't deserve it (i'm wingleader/student RA, and i'm also treasurer of my school's student government, and full time college student, with a job....but apparently i don't work or deserve any of my benefits) lately i just chainsmoke all day every day trying to stave off trying to kill myself in more direct ways but lately it all feels like a losing battle. i asked to see my school's psychologist yesterday, and was told i'd be put on a waiting list for eventually. kind of feel like it's a metaphor for my life. that's part of why i am grateful for this website. it helps me stop viewing The Bridge as a sweet escape from life, and more for what it is - a really horrible tragic end result of untreated depressive thoughts and periods that further traumatizes everybody involved. i'm quite scared i will lose my rationale and end up doing it. this site helps me try to stay clear-minded and realistic instead of pain-absorbed. 10.14.15, Anna, Saint Petersburg, I emailed you back to respond to your comment to my comment. hah. I know jumping is not the answer. in fact it's the total complete opposite. i don't want to die painfully. i do NOT want attention, i don't want to traumatize everybody, i don't want to have a "grandeur" suicide on stage. all i know is the bridge is nearby and it's almost definitely fatal, and while it's not the easiest way to go, it's more soundproof and impersonal than anything i've got. (i'm not threatening further, i'm explaining why people choose it - i see a lot of people saying how people who jump off bridges/do suicide publically want the attention and have a sense of grandeur, but fact is it's just usually most convenient. like shooting yourself in a shooting range without having to buy the gun, jumping off a bridge cuz it's more sureproof than hanging yourself, etc.) 10.14.15, running this website has put me in touch with several, mostly females in your age group, that had similar issues with depression and suicidal thoughts. it depresses me to think that those so young, have it in them to consider ending their lives when they are basically just getting into the adult phase of it. i do understand you have been dealt a bad hand. parents are supposed to be caring and nurturing, not abusive drunktards. they failed you. i have always been a strong advocate to cut loose those that detract from one's life, be they family, friend, or stranger. no one has the right to impede your life and happiness, especially family, especially parents. i do not like to see the very young getting so heavily involved with a mate. you're young, you are suppose to explore life, to see what is available to you, not to settle down with someone FOREVER. you are suppose to gain life points as a self. to become reliant on your self. to experience life and what it has to offer and be able to deal with them as a person. become strong and able to cope with the world as a self, then attach yourself to another and share each others life experiences in order to create new ones together. with life's experiences come maturity and the ability to cope with and solve problems. my only hope is that you try and hang in there long enough to get through this rough spot. i have two daughters and i always told them that if you have no expectations, you will have no disappointments. i wanted them to be independent and capable on their own. i'm not going to lie to you. from what you describe, your life is pretty crappy right now. that does not mean it will be crappy forever. you've been kicked down and then kicked down a bit further. it sucks, but if you focus on you, put up with your situation bit longer, work hard, and save some money, i know you can make a happy life for yourself, without depending on others to fulfill your life. some of us have trouble being alone. i am lucky in that being alone is ok, i keep myself busy. try to ignore the negative flow from others. you are not obliged to listen, respond, or tolerate anyone's bullshit. fight for what's yours and what you need to move forward. stand up to oppressors and utilize any and all help you can get for school, living quarters, and getting your head right. it's not always easy, but the payoff will be worth it. 10.19.15, Anna, Saint Petersburg, i know you're right - that's part of why i said the breakup with the ex of 5 years was a good thing. it was a big mistake. i was only a kid when i got him and i got in WAY too deep, too codependent - it's taking me a long time to pull out of it and i love myself and enjoy being alone, and i recognize how it's unhealthy to be so with somebody else so young - it's just that i'm only recently single for the first time and it's a new adjustment. starting to date so seriously at 15, it's a big adjustment mentally to be alone. i really appreciate the reiteration, a lot. i'm trying to be healthy and independent and at this point i'm much happier single and alone, it's def not a bad thing i just broke up with the new young guy i was dating too. i talked to a psychologist about everything except my suicidal thoughts (because then i would get psych-warded, which from past experience helps nothing, and my school doesn't allow you to stay if you are a risk to yourself). the psychologist gave me some real shit about everything and it helped a lot i'm not really as overwhelmed with depression and thoughts - in fact i feel so much better after breaking up with my boyfriend. i don't need to be dating right now, and it's just exhausting me further. just wanted to say thank you so much for talking with me not sure where it's going for me, but at this point in time i do feel better and i appreciate the time and effort you put into messaging with me 10.19.15, it's good you had a chat with the psychologist and that some good came from it. focusing on yourself, without the added baggage of a relationship, will further improve your ability to cope with your life. i am confident you will be looking back on the dark days before too long. |
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